This week really snuck up on me with a crushing force. I'm sure there aren't that many women out there that like to talk about fluctuating hormones during pregnancy (except maybe to make light of them), but I want to be different. I want to be able to tell the truth, maybe it'll help someone.
This week I spun out a bit with my hormones. I didn't realize it was happening until it was almost too late.
It all started with the death of an old family friend. It was a needless death - tragic and shocking. The friend who died was only 32 years old and so full of life. Our families have always been very close, and although I wasn't close with him any more, it really hit me hard to hear from my parents who were very effected by the loss. Everyone in my home community was very upset, understandably of course. I was, of course, 6 hours away and unable to do anything really.
My mom struggled in the few minutes after receiving the news. She called me trying to find another friend's phone number, so that they could be told the news. I helped her get what she needed, but that was all I could really do. I called often to keep up to date with autopsy results and plans for the visitation and memorial. I wasn't really able to go (weather is so unpredictable now and Alain wasn't available to come along), but wanted to offer help in whatever way I could.
In the midst of this, my husband was in the middle of a very busy week at work. He had two busy weeks, the first of which was already completed, and both of which took him out of the house from 6 am until 7 pm. I work from home and was alone throughout that time, left to fend for myself and care for the dogs. Not normally a big deal, but my hormones were going crazy without him. When he did get home he'd spend all his time doing things that needed to be done around the house (and that I can't really help him with- cleaning the litter box, preparing for the class he teaches, etc.). I missed him terribly and didn't really understand why it was effecting me so powerfully.
I felt myself spiraling. In my head I knew I shouldn't be missing him so much, I shouldn't be so overwhelmed. I felt unable to get anything done, I felt utterly exhausted.
I spent a good half hour one day crying for absolutely no reason. When I was able to talk to Alain about it, he helped me a lot and put things into perspective. He came home that night and spent the next few days looking after me. Work settled down and things got better.
I won't say this was "Depression", but I will say that I believe it was heading that way. Once I realized that was a possibility, it seemed easier to not get mad at myself for being so overwhelmed by things. It seemed easier to manage, especially when I asked for help.
There are lots of resources out there if you are suffering from depression, during pregnancy or otherwise. Try to reach out to someone you love. They will want to help you! Talk to your doctor or midwife if you feel you can't get a handle on the situation by yourself.
I learned my lesson - hormones in pregnancy are serious business.
I'm so glad that I have such a supportive husband and that I am feeling better!